XLI - that's all there is?

song of the week: sarah mclachlan, when she loved me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3qBbLyRixg
i heard this song going home on the radio. it's one of my pet things, driving home at night, coasting and musing. and this song was like a gift, kinda like a transient, beautiful gift, and it was okay when it was gone. just a feeling that appeared and disappeared and was beautiful while it lasted, and it was even more beautiful after it was gone. and i realised that someday i'll think about my mom again, and i'll probably be very very sad. but not till then.

i may forget some of the things that my mom means to me. i may forget how she loves me. i may forget how i love her. i may forget how much hurt she carries. i may forget.

but i won't. i love you, mommy.

blog proper: i really like tax planning. i really like it. it is a diamond in the rough. with stephen phua as the alchemist.

school is school, but a little more quiet these days. it sure makes you think, life really moseys on by. i guess you can say things are a little bittersweet lately. i don't think it's a sad thing. it seems as if time is running out, but that's a delusion if there ever was one. i guess what i feel is, school, that's all there is to it? and it's no bad thing, it's just i remembered it was more fun than this. maybe more hang outs will fix this. but i guess i rely on my independence.

speaking of independence, it's like an invisible shield. i don't feel lonely. part of it is because i'm home, and because i've friends. but more of it is because i really am independent. because i really don't think i need to have people by my side all the time. and that's the cold side of it, undeniably. i think independent people seem less vulnerable on the outside, but it makes them distanced. and i think being vulnerable makes a person endearing. a certain familiarity develops with a person that comes with knowing his strengths and weaknesses. a certain comfort felt in having a friend who is roughly predictable.

it's like i'm on a never-ending quest to know whether there's something i'm not doing right.

and to some extent this seems like a nightmare of self-doubt. but i think this is the kind of question that i believe in asking every single day. it helps sometimes that i have friends who trust in me and think i'm alright. so i think thinking about life like that is useful. it really puts the things i believe in to the test. the true questions are, did i do what i believed was right? then do the results matter? what are my feelings on these results? are these feelings commendable? and how should i act on these feelings?

hmm, enough about that. to be honest all this thinking doesn't come often. but what i believe is that life really goes by when everything's fun and laughs, so when things quiet down a bit of brain noodling is good for the soul. and i guess i'm thankful that i haven't got any emotional crisis to deal with.

i suppose i'm just pensive lately. i'll get over it.

i feel like i once did, i.e. that i have a lot of thoughts that won't crystallise. that's terrible for a lawyer, or for a conversation. i suppose it's cos' i filter a lot of emo thoughts from becoming actual words. and that's not a bad thing, i don't like to complain on my blog. i'd rather be wistful. wistful people need hugs. it's a fact. then they'll push them hugs away if they're man enough.

lately, i was put in a situation twice in one night where i had to explain my faith to someone else. and it made me realise what was so difficult about explaining faith, that it was irrational. after noting it on fb, and having received a few replies, to which i tried not to counter, i came to the conclusion that most christians don't accept that they are irrational with faith. what i believe is that it is not a concession in any way to accept that faith is irrational, because what we hold as truth cannot be proven, which is the obvious fallacy that we buy into and thus must accept, and the logical conclusion is that we are irrational. the flying spaghetti monster is a clear illustration of irrationality and faith. but irrationality does not make faith any less than what it is. faith is precisely what it is because it is irrational. don't talk to me about intelligent design, God's appearance in nature, etc., we'll be shot through with holes. besides, i think accepting what something is not is useful to knowing what it is.

basically, faith is perfectly rational provided God exists.

you see where i'm coming from? this is how the world thinks. take it, move on.

let's discount the case for 50-50, i.e. that faith is not necessarily irrational, or that having faith is not unreasonable. i think that a faith justified on probabilities (well, possibilities) is hardly faith at all.

but enough about that.

at the back of my mind, i still wonder if i'll be a pastor. i think i have the heart for it, which is more than half the battle. but i have promises to keep and miles to go before i (sleep).

lastly, i was thinking about windows, again. and i realise that often windows close quietly, and sometimes you wish you had been there somehow closing that window.

here's where i bring myself to smile wistfully.

i hope to wake up tomorrow and think, life couldn't be better.

no. life couldn't be better.