CLXIII - a strange day's

i kept telling myself today, as i kept crying, that today was a strange day.

crying is a bit strong of a word. what's better? getting teary? getting emotional? no, i cry. it is crying. i'm not bawling but i do that too, in my room. i refuse to be seen crying, so it's just a welling up type of crying.

crying feels strange. but we all do it. in fact whenever i do it i am reminded of a friend who was once so pissed with me that she said that i would never be able to truly love. as with all things said in anger, i have never failed to appreciate that it carried its proprietary kernel of truth. but that's beside the point. and the story is not a romantic one. the point is that we all cry and it feels strange. in a way, very human. vulnerable and cathartic. comforting in an uncannily strong way. it's so strange. but we do it.

i'd hate to think that the pity i feel for myself is the cause of my crying. i'm better than that. i feel like i cry for lost things. but that's too deep into the matter.

we all cry. today is a strange day. today i cried, but always to be strong. to pick something up and to live. so there is no pity in that. no matter what it is i cried for. i know what i cried for. of course i do. there are only so many things a man can live with and then also without. it's been so long, and yet it's again those goddamn chinese songs at all the wrong moments that get me welling up. fuck! those feels.

but anyway, today being a strange day and all, i tried to do right. it is difficult. but i did right. i wouldn't call it helpful. but in a way i'm doing everything i can about it. in my way, well, that's fair, i think, in my way i'm sending you my love. even though i'll never be able to stop.

so that's today.