CLXXIX - when at the end

If I had to die tomorrow.

I think I'd be happy. I mean, I've lived twenty eight years, and you know, I think I've done about as well as I could have, day to day. There isn't a body of work per se I guess I would point to and say, look at that, that's what I've done. But I would point to, if I could, the things that I think about, the things that matter to my heart and to my mind, and of course the things I believe with my soul, and I'd say, well, consider of all that, and think, have you ever known anyone who thinks about all those things and cares about them as much as I did? You know, I've been alive for a good time, and in all this time I haven't found too many people who care about things the way I care about things. Honestly, I don't think most people, even good people, care about too many things that I care about. I think most people are too stupid, selfish or lazy. Harsh words, yes, but unwarranted? maybe not. And I don't think these are selfish or mean things I care about. I think these are good things. Compassion, self awareness, intellect, altruism, I mean, all these things, the books I read, there isn't anyone I've found who is like me, a man with a heart like mine. It's disappointing in a way, but there's no harm in solitude. There's a lot of Marquez in me, a lot of Borges, a lot of Nietsczhe. And honestly, who else can say that? I've been waiting, abiding, growing. I'm an amazing person. I believe that, and I don't say it because it serves no purpose, but you know, if I had to die tomorrow, I believe that I'm an amazing person. My understanding of my self-worth means I die happy, if tomorrow I die. I don't take life for granted, but I try not to regret none of mine either.

If I had to die tomorrow my only regret would be that I didn't put aside the time to read all my books. I would regret that entirely. Every time I look at that corner in my room I feel it, every time.

If I had to die tomorrow I would probably write a letter to five or six people in the world, in my own hand. I would tell them I loved them, I'd tell them to live bravely, happily, in God's grace. You know, I'm good with words. That's exactly what I'd do, I'd go out with words.

And then what? I might have a kopi, and wait out the day.