XVII - no answers, not even non-answers

what is worry? what is this thing called worry? that it clings so tightly to the mind, that the brows can but furrow in consternation. that the eyes stare down, and off again into space, frowning in the maddening knowledge that there is no ready answer. between irritation and frustration, faculties incessantly toeing the line, forced to meander between helplessness and solitude. distractions are hardly welcome, impotence not improved by time. with concentration almost fully spent, what remaining mental strongholds yet become minefields. worry heaps on more worry, multiplied by every nexus realised. like a faulty part that spoils the whole scene, the whole outlook. worry is indefeasible. worry is prodigiously unhealthy, but chronically difficult to stop.

worry is a delusion. is an illusion. is all a big bloody lie. and it works very well, and it is evil.

the answer is perspective.

1. "who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
"the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. but seek his Kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well."
"the seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature."

2. "i think about the cosmic snowball theory. a few million years from now the sun will burn out and lose its gravitational pull. the earth will be turned into a giant snowball and be hurled through space. when that happens it won't matter if i get this guy out."

3. i've always been fascinated by the idea in the highlander series, of the quickening. long story short, it's where two immortals can share every memory and experience and skill they ever had. i remember good guys could do this by holding up a sword together, whereas a decapitation in a fight also does the same. imagine you could share all your ideas and perspective with someone else. we're not talking only about data, like a shared drive between two people. we're talking about all reception, perception and application, everything. imagine that.

4. perspective is the difference between being totally fucking pissed off and having a bloody good time. paraphrasing senthil, "dude you're gonna be an amazing athlete. but you need to learn to control your emotions. when you're year four you'll understand. just play for fun."
and i still don't like the way that sounds. i don't give in, ever. and i know senthil doesn't either. but that's the amazing thing about perspective. that's how amazingly i had the best fun in a game playing rugby. it meant nothing to me in one sense, but it meant a lot to me in another sense. i can't even begin to understand, much less apply, this difference in perspective. i think maybe it was that i felt responsible for one loss and not the other. but i played well in both. how isn't that good enough, ian? i know, i refused to lose, yet i lost.

the more we pick up, the harder it is to put stuff down. we hope and we plan and we expect and we review. wisdom is a lie, amazingly. it helps you tell what is important enough to worry about and what isn't (here i use an expanded meaning of 'important', work with me). but that puts us right where we started. wisdom is a lie, my gosh, it's a lie.

"the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom."
"for the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom."

wisdom ought to tell us what is truth and what is a lie. now i'd say that's wisdom.

why does man worry? so... strange.

XVI - men should count their blessings more

random things to be thankful for.

1) no injuries. good Lord am i thankful for this.

2) yvonne lee. i would hate life if i had winslow for one full semester. you think dowdle's bad? hurrngh.

3) shit i forgot. if i remember i'll add.

i play a lot of different sports. and i realise it's damn interesting. every sport is different, and you won't understand until you try. from the first time you pick up a new sport, to getting better at it, to getting good at it. all it takes is an open mind, some fitness, and a boyish enthusiasm. i swear, my favourite part of my character is my boyish enthusiasm. oh but my favourite body parts are my hands. i can do nothing without them, and i do everything with them. these hands are so darn handy, you know what i mean? they make me feel good, the way no other part of my body can. awesome, hands.

hmm i think that was what i wanted to be thankful for, actually. but i can't be sure.

it doesn't take much to be thankful. but i think it doesn't really help to be thankful, because the stuff you think of is simply matter-of-fact. and when people share what they're thankful for, i basically think, oh good for you. mm.

but i suppose life evolves from finding happiness to finding contentedness. i try to believe that happiness is overrated.

nights.

XV - what is peace, or, the word of this year.

part 1.

i went to bed last night thinking: what is this thing called hope (romantic hope).

what is this thing called hope, that we should so gladly suffer it.
what is this thing called hope, that someone like me, wise far beyond my years, with all my experience and insight and with all the peace that faith gives, that i should be willing to forsake all this if only to hope.
oh what is this thing called hope, that man should be given hope, that man should be given to hope.
something so terribly inefficient, so physically and emotionally messy.
why do we hope, why do i still hope, me.

and my conclusion was that we cannot help but hope. i cannot, this ian ho, he cannot but to hope. if anyone has self-control, has peace in heart and soul, i am he. but i say again, i cannot help but hope.

such is the terrible power of...

and i've found what i'm looking for. there is one true peace. it is not a peace that overpowers everything else that has such strength to draw us away, it is not a mighty peace. it is a peace that is itself peaceful. it is a peace that embraces a willing person. it is a peace that is found if returned to, even if left for awhile, no matter how left, or how long a while. it is a peace that surrounds a heart of surrender, of prodigal surrender.

hallelujah. "You are my hope."

end of part 1.

part 2.

i've found a new church, and i hope i don't have to eat my words. i like the place. importantly, aside from a few truly minor errors, the sermon was actually very good.

the best part is this.

Pastor:  (paraphrasing) "i tell you (here pointing at the whole auditorium), if our faith increases, this church will...

EXPLODE."

yes, sir. thank you, sir.

end of part 2.

XIV - something i both admire and doubt at the same time, or, you don't need to prove peace to anyone

as an observation, i think that girls like to prove their maturity. like they will talk about serious things, quite as if they know the stuff well, and have thought it through calmly and thoroughly.

i have nothing to comment on this. but i will say one thing: it is better to have peace than to have wisdom. and peace is also better than maturity.

peace is vastly, astonishingly, underrated, imo.

XIII - a girlfriend

ian, there is more at stake here than personal happiness.