XXIX - 嘴硬心软

song of the week: ooh! aah! cantona!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJ6moPWuzqM

honourable mention: mark cole, vaughandrix
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KYLkuhaePA

during the past few days, i wondered:

do people treat me coldly sometimes?

i've given it much thought, both objective and subjective. and i've come to some conclusions.

firstly, it's very hard to second guess other people.
secondly, it's very easy to misunderstand other people, especially when only a short exchange occurs, in limited circumstances.
thirdly, i don't like to worry about what other people think of me, because, well, to put it briefly, i roughly know what i'm doing. i think this is, secularly speaking, the most important conclusion.
fourthly, it's best not to come to any conclusions, fluid or whatsoever, without actual communication.
fifthly, everything waxes and wanes, like the population of toads in a pond. (check out the links, just note the cool graphs) think complex equilibriums.
http://www.inhs.uiuc.edu/research/biocontrol/theoriesmodels/nbmodel.html
http://books.google.com.sg/books?id=1cFozFXjjlAC&pg=PA182&lpg=PA182&dq=Nicholson-Bailey+Model&source=bl&ots=atJvMYtR21&sig=usJboYXk7D2TCrFP-rNhLXI4IZY&hl=en&ei=MheyS4HqFJG3rAeik8yhBA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=10&ved=0CC4Q6AEwCQ#v=onepage&q=Nicholson-Bailey%20Model&f=false
http://www2.warwick.ac.uk/fac/sci/maths/people/staff/matt_keeling/math_modelling/stochastic/
sixthly, a christian is judged by his fruit. understandably, judgment by man is subjective, even if there are well-established objective criteria for judgment. but there is no inconsistency here. God is my judge, not man. and i think i do alright here.

the funny thing is, i decided to be extra nice to people lately as far as i could. and i generally get the feeling, whether or not as a result of my endeavours, that people are warmer to me. this tells me some things.

firstly, people like to be (at least, by appearances) treated nicely. also, in a short exchange, what person A remembers most about person B, and how he treats B, depends quite substantially on how B acted towards A in his previous exchange. this is true even where i think my character compensates for however unpleasant (if at all) i was in past exchanges.
secondly, there's no reason that what i roughly think i know of what i'm doing is misguided or errant. to doubt this would go to the pith and marrow of a lot of what i think i do or ought to do. dangerous ground.
thirdly, it's hard to be batman-ish. as in, i feel that people tend not to appreciate a good person if that person is cold or cool by demeanour and general interaction.
fourthly, people who i see less often treat me more nicely (if only for pleasantries) than people i see more often. strange (and lamentable), but true.
fifthly, i care a bit more for being treated nicely than i care to admit.

therefore my conclusion is that it's important (if at least to grease the wheels of social life) to at least try and treat people nicely, in short exchanges. i thought i cared little for what people thought of me short term, because the person i was in the long run would shine through. sadly, this may not work out as i expected.

whether or not i can still do my 'al pacino' thing then. ah screw it. i'd rather be al pacino.

XXVIII - http://xkcd.com/432/

song of the week: u2, pride (in the name of love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7COntXhPcI

honourable mention: f4,情非得已

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7rQM41Mluo

for the whole story, see
http://xkcd.com/374/
http://xkcd.com/377/
http://xkcd.com/405/
and finally, http://xkcd.com/433/

i think at the end of the day
i only want to be trustworthy

i wonder if it seems like that
or whether people think about it
or even treasure it
and sometimes i can't help but think, after all this, i'm pretty sure you ought to trust me more than that
but that's not the point
the point is i find it important to be trustworthy

yikes i fell asleep and had a slow mo running away nightmare
it was about a parking attendant who almost hit me with his lorry and then threatened to... do something. something along the lines of... abusing his administrative law powers.
he... brandished his beep thingy at me.

anyway
i'm about to change my mind
but before i change my mind
i somehow have the feeling
(and i've had it all day)
that i'm gonna be single longer than i imagine

just the feeling that
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pb1XXs7e7ac

just musing about it
about to change my mind anyway

XXVII - hidden in your hands

song of the week: the heights, how do you talk to an angel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5HIarf0CFM

honourable mention: dan seals, i'd really love to see you tonight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCUyjLiUBYw

not in the bottom of drinking glasses
not in late night runs
not on msn and facebook
not in sleeping dreams
not in old buddies
nor in pretty friends
not in music i like
not in textbooks
not in pretty technology
not in food, hardly
not in sports
not in health and vanity
not in my reflection
not in the way i tilt my features
not in the quiet night
nor in the hazy stars
not in singing songs out loud
not in singing voices
not in jios
not in things to look forward to
not in all these fun things
not in windows
not in seasons
not in things i want
not in things i wish for, people i wish for
not in love across the world
not in missing things
not in the joy of couples
not in this or that clique
not in words
not in cool guitar sounds
not in the things i say
not in the things i do
not in the things i stand for
not in the things i aspire towards
not in my character
not in values, ideals, noble aims
not in anything that i set myself out to be
not in all these serious things
no, no, not in all these things
not one bit in any of these things

but perhaps
as i look at my hands
perceive them, wonder at them
realise as i gaze upon them
comprehend them
picture myself watching them
in the quiet hollow of my hands
in the cradle of my palms
in the cup of my open grasp

not in my hands, no
but in the idea that
everything else can change
maybe even these hands, i suppose
but what you need is what you can do
and what you can do is in what your hands are
and what your hands are is what you are
and what you are, like what your hands are
is in your hands

it's easier when life is rolling along
and take my word for it, life is rolling along
to go with the flow and get lost in its charms
to live and to celebrate life without any of this superfluous (existential angst)

but i just got caught, suddenly
looking at my hands

XXVI - federal building, or, love is quantum physics, or, an inkling

song of the week: hotel california
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GW-MHC6TwWY&feature=related
this song is magic, enchanted.

honourable mention: glamorous
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0SyUgw98tE
you can dub glamorous into any song. any song at all.

-----

everytime i pass by the upper quad, this is what i think,

man i'm glad to be here

i remember the second law school interview i had, and what i thought,

gosh i'd be happy to be here
what a beautiful school

today i thought,

wouldn't it be more awesome if i had all these other things i wanted (on top of being here)
sure, these are good things to want, good things to aim for, nothing wrong with having these ambitions
not having these things, sure, it sucks
but it doesn't take away from what i have
and that is pretty good
pretty
darn
good
:)

-----

talking to the girls today about girls,
i realise i sound a lot calmer than i am.
as in cos i do sometimes doubt myself, privately
maybe it's a masquerade, maybe i'd find it hard to be so cool if the chance came my way
maybe i'm still confused
or maybe i'm not, and maybe i'm right
maybe i do know what i want, and what i'm doing
or maybe i have faith enough not to be too bothered

the fact is
having talked it out, to both boys and girls
it looks like i'm on the right track, insofar as the right track means sitting on my hands, but
talking about love is just like quantum physics, the heisenburg uncertainty principle, predicting electron paths
the more accurately you know the position of your feelings, the less accurately you know the momentum your feelings possess
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncertainty_principle
and to a lesser extent, the observer effect principle
observing feelings in action actually changes the manner in which the feelings manifest
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Observer_effect_(physics)

-----

i roughly think i know what my ian-shaped hole is
wisdom
wisdom...
wisdom with God's grace

might be just a matter of time.