i feel colder lately. and feeling colder tends to reinforce being cold.
and i think in some sense the things said about and to me were right.
i feel kinda tired, and jaded. i dunno, blog. is that it? sigh, i'm not emo. i'm more jaded, i guess. scroogey. i'd like to put up some excuses for the way i feel, but i don't think i want to hear them.
my head thinks that it has to do with feeling disappointed about stuff, well, about something i was looking forward to. but i dunno, it all adds up and right now i feel quite. i feel quite muddled, like why people are so friendly and happy, and get along with each other so well. haha, what nonsense. i seem to be missing something, but it doesn't feel like i am.
and yes, you guys are right since you said it. i really am not nice. i think that i couldn't really care, but somehow some part of me feels jaded because of/ despite it.
it's not terribly bad, but it's there. on a scale of one to ten (this is my favourite simple thought exercise), with one being like i dropped a slice of apple and ten being, well, God not existing, i feel about a four. yes, that's about right. five would be like when i think about my mom. two would be about like having a stomachache. three would be like waking up an hour late for lecture, or losing a big gamble. six would be if i knocked my car, seven would be if i fought with someone, eight would be losing to that stupid school at softball, nine would probably be how i imagine Gatsby felt about losing Daisy after so long. hmm, it's quite hard to reach ten.
i don't like feeling like this. it's a funk. i like to say, as i usually tend to think, that things couldn't be better. but hell, i do wish for some things, and that is kinda uncharacteristic. i wish for some things.
jaded, jaded, oh how the mighty fall,
where are the things you hold dear now, the stones upon which you stood.
what do your creeds hold you to, you, futile of men.
jaded realised, the forest cares not for one proud tree.
