LXV - perhaps on the unbearable lightness of being

song of the week: keith jarrett, koln concert
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wivo94ylmhE&feature=BFa&list=PL31E319015DCF2B9E&index=1

when a man looks forward in life, what does he see? dissatisfaction? an epic struggle against mediocrity? is he minded to master his own destiny?
when he looks back, again, what does he see? embarrassment and contempt at his own frailties? the natural consequences of his actions given the limitations and circumstances he faces? a more accepting understanding of himself?
when he thinks of the present, what does he see? is he bored, dulled by rigmarole? is he at peace? does he live with honour and trustworthiness? does he have compassion for the people around him and for himself?
what is existence? is a life lived once worth anything? why stop and think if only to press on? why continue as if starting was a choice already made and stopping not a possibility?

i often think i know what i see, i often am confident of my position on each subject. but i think these are questions that are worth considering once in a while, if only to be sure for that while. and who knows when i'll be caught unaware of having thought differently? when i'll value something more than i used to, or less? when i'll have the presence of mind to be objective, be truthful? there may be no false meaning in any life, but thinking along these lines points a person towards... meaning. truth. hope. love. peace. everything or nothing. i don't think anyone can provide the answers to anything, much less for anyone else. i guess at the bottom of it, reality is an illusion but it keeps life going.

i guess what i want to say is, people want things to remind themselves that they're not mediocre. that in this life, with its uncertain premises, theoretical untidiness and fragile coherence, making something of it is in itself something meaningful. living, loving, working and all that, worth doing in itself being done.

LXIV - riding the SBS

song of the week: elisa, wild horses.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWJyk40Y2Zw
she sings it absolutely gorgeously in my book.

i was on the bus today, and as it goes, when i'm on the bus i do a lot of thinking. and it often seems like i enjoy the thinking i get done on the bus. today was another such time.

it made me happy to be talking to this girl today.

but maybe that's all there is to it. i don't mind if it is, because it really makes me happy. i ask God, why is it that everything else i want just falls into my life so easily, except for this one little thing, that bugs me so often and so badly. everything else. i'm grateful for it, and you know i am. and the years i've had waiting, and nothing. only girls that won't be mine.

what could be better than to do what i want? i thought that one day i would meet God and i would look at him for a long, long time and i would see him seeing all of me, and i would say, all those years... and he would say, and now you see why. and i would nod and sigh contentedly, or maybe i'd kneel down. and he would say, all that time, i was only waiting for you to give up what you wanted and all the worries and troubles and angst that came with it, and learn to yearn for me and what i wanted, and you would be my child.

and i said, okay, i'll do it.

delirious?, follow.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDpOjqCGj74