song of the week: ff7, ahead on our way
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afZPyBvuXPk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bG0JLyzzmI
i realise that i don't like to blog as much as i like to post on facebook, which is kinda like a more serious tweet. which is really kinda dumb in retrospect. but i guess it's alright because i don't need to record everything.
anyway, i've had a lot of thoughts lately, but nothing really poetic or lyrical, nothing much to write about. but there's been a lot of soul searching, well, not my soul per se, but i mean, deep thinking. i think i can remember most of it without writing it all down, and that's the point, i guess.
i don't like to toot my horn, but i often find it strange that i'm so god damn charming. it is bemusing, to say the least. if i weren't so self-aware i'd quite likely still be a playboy sort. ah, the smaller mysteries of life.
where is my god damn coffee.
i've been wandering around a lot lately, on foot, with different bunches, and in my mind. i think, i think... i think that to write it down would somehow... fail to capture the ephemeral, the mysterious, the ineffable charm of the past few weeks. i'm just, living in the present, the middle of now, to be precise. making it up as i go along, living like every day is special. i feel happy. i feel solid. i feel as if i've come out of a deep place and i'm walking on a road that goes somewhere i know is good. the road could have potholes but i couldn't give a flying fuck. i'm not cheerful. i'm just, really, alright. i almost couldn't be better. and i believe it more than when i thought that i couldn't be better. i could say it again just to enjoy the feeling of saying it, i almost couldn't be better. and that's a good life, isn't it?
i'm sorry that i didn't see this girl off, but, i mean, whatever, right? it was the insidiousness of it, just the insidiousness of it. like i said, fuck this, i'm not afraid of Anything.
i realise that the only mask i have left on, of all the very openness and directness and transparency that i wish to be known for, is that i want to wear the mask of the Anti-Hero. i covet it, i treasure it, i revel in it. i love the Anti-Hero idea, i dig it, i wish to symbolise it, i want to bring it to the next level. it's so fucking cool. and speaking of masks... i think to a large extent we are the masks that we wear. we create ourselves, or at least, the external person that we want to be. and very often a mask becomes a character. but i don't believe in wearing masks. i did when i was younger, but i've slowly seen the good of not wearing a mask. i think there's nothing to be afraid of, that needs to be hidden behind a mask. whether or not the world accepts me, or anyone, is something i don't want to find out from behind a mask.
when i was jogging home just now, well i was walking, to rest my slightly injured leg, i found myself praying to God to give every man, woman and child on the face of this earth just one happy day this year. just one goddamned unblemished, unadulterated, unqualified Happy Day. One Day Of Happiness. and i realised that between God and the devil, it was more likely the latter who would grant me this wish, assuming either had the power to do so. i mean, that is the biblical perspective. but i found myself no less wishing for God to give every human being alive ODOH. we live three hundred and sixty odd days a year, i don't think it's too much for the Almighty to give one bloody day of happiness to everyone, right? but it made me wonder whether living for such a cause was right, whether i subconsciously wanted everyone to be happy, something fleeting, but no less human, no less important in life, Life. i mean, why is it so much to ask? why must it always be, the eternal, salvation of souls, etc. so annoying. but those... are the rules, like it or not, those are the rules i somehow... believe in. my soul belongs to God, but i don't know if i love him all the time with all my strength and mind and heart. my heart firmly belongs to this world, and i'd be the first to say so... even though i figure it's ultimately otherwise. but i believe... in the good of ODOH. it's human, it's compassion, it's something to live for, something worthy.
there's too much tension out there.
