LXXXV - oh take me back to the start

song of the week: coldplay, the scientist
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqWLpTKBFcU

it's sobering to know that i am not immune to regretting my mistakes. it sucks to know, actually. it sucks to know.

"... the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes."

life is different in this light. i'm not sure if i'm good or bad, if i'm the cure or the disease. i'm not sure if i'm doing the right thing, by other people, by me, by whatever.

this is a season of, of all things, regret. it becomes harder to ask, what is the meaning of all this? as if i had lost the right to do so, to live as if i were finding it out.

i was playing this song driving home last night. and i know, you know, i know they say that life is incomparable to the hereafter, life now is like pigs in mud, etc. but whatever happens, at least we were once alive, i think for goodness' sake that everyone deserves to say that with dignity.

and i was driving home and i wished that you were around, dl. i wish that i could share a bit of the world with you. it's not that bad in the right places. it's not even that bad in the wrong places.

i'll try not to screw it up abit more.

LXXXIV

elton john, daniel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFJ2YrztYUg

tell me, dl, is God all that they say he is?

LXXXIII - bible thoughts

song of the week: black sabbath, war pigs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtqy4DTHGqg
the energy in these old videos is incredible. absolutely untouchable today.

anyway, this is my favourite bit of pure irony in the bible. it's arguably a pretty important bit, too.

“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”
Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.”

of course, there was the famous donkey talking bit, the fire on sodom bit, the after-flood rainbow bit... the list goes on. but that first one was pure irony.

anyway i was wondering a little bit about the bible lately. firstly, that Jesus was called to lose his godliness (in taking on sin), which is clearly the most difficult thing conceivable, god-or-man-wise. how can Jesus still be God after that? well, he went on the cross, and the rest is history, as they say. anyway, i guess my calling is to lose my humanity, in a fashion.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

also,

Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.
What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?"

interestingly, this last verse seems to contradict my point. but i'll leave it at that for now. let's just say it has to do with whose interpretation of "self" is to be believed.

secondly, does the holy spirit give us faith (or materially enable us to have faith) or do we need faith to have the holy spirit? this is a very tricky question, and quite easily answered in circular fashion. apart from any bible-derived answer, my intuition is that it happens simultaneously, but that's terribly illogical. without going any further, and i don't really care for the answer, to be quite honest,

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

thirdly, imagine telling your son not to steal. ideally, he'd listen to you, but the time will come when he has to make that decision for himself, and not merely because you once told him not to steal. now, isn't that a far more meaningful decision than when you tell him not to steal and he doesn't? similarly, God told Adam not to eat of the forbidden fruit. you see, the thing i don't get is, why is choice so beautifully enshrined in Christ, and yet we have the law so full of legal moralism*? what kind of liberty and choice do we retain if the law is so incredibly prohibitive and inhuman? and how are we to choose to love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength if we must deny ourselves to follow Christ?

*generally, the four bases for criminalisation are harm (harm to others), offence (e.g. racist propaganda), legal moralism (e.g. pornography, private homosexualism) and paternalism (e.g. drugs).

i'm going to have a lot of hard questions for that day. until then, i really don't know why i'm still alive. i often wonder, what is the meaning of all this. and i feel more human because of it. i feel, neo-human.