my head is full from trying to understand time. it is a very interesting question. what is time? does it exist a priori, does it exist outside of the mind?
can God undo time?
we never think about it except when we do, but it seems extremely unsatisfactory that there are so many things in life which are difficult to fundamentally understand.
i am inclined to think that Newtonian time is a feature of human understanding. it co-exists relative to the material world and its alterings... but the mind needs time to think, right...
the mind is not then, strictly physical either... is it?
is existence definitional? if you knock on my closed door, am i everywhere in the room at once, or a mixture of it with an exact position? if i look at the past, could i consider a space-time object?
i don't think the past can exist/ if it exists only as memory.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
LXXXVII - death exists, not as the opposite of life but as a part of life
frédéric chopin, nocturne op. 9 no. 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZUw78FXpG4
today i was looking at some birds fly, as they sometimes do when it rains. i often wonder why birds do that. i mean, if i think it's cold and stormy, sheesh, what does a bird think, right. but no, birds often fly about quite gleefully when its raining. i think they enjoy it. i think they flat out enjoy flying about in the rain. so as i sat there on the steps looking at maybe three dozen birds flying as they pleased, in a dizzying array of circuitous loops, dives and flutters, i wondered why the hell they were doing it, and as it was drizzling lightly, i came to the conclusion after about fifteen minutes that they must have had been doing it for fun. plain old willy-nilly fun. those birds were having fun. i dunno if that means anything to you, but it seemed uncanny to me. animals have fun too. they enjoy being alive.
and the other side of this coin of life is that there are birds who will never fly. i wondered how those birds feel. i don't know if they feel lonely, but i guess it's just as bad to have the unbearable feeling of never flying. or having the joy of flight taken away from you. miserable and abandoned, defenseless. and i was reminded of the quote in norwegian wood, that "death exists, not as the opposite of life but as a part of life."
and that's where i am right now. i don't look at life and say i want to live everyday to the fullest, i just want to be happy today, i just want the people around me to be happy, i want to do my best as far as i can. that's rubbish. i can't help but feel an unbearable feeling that there are people out there dying. i can't help but feel that life is so meaningless because somewhere out there someone who has only one shot at life is not getting his money's worth. someone out there is cold, hungry, and miserable, and curses life. that is not fair. i can't be, not like this. i can't look at myself in the mirror and wonder where the hell the greater things are. the things i believe in are worthless. i will someday die and the things that i've done are worth fuck-all. the whole world is worth fuck-all. and for the most part i don't care. i don't care that i'm alive. i don't care to be a good full man. i don't care, i don't care! in my empathy i've realised that my whole life is a selfish thing because i cannot share it with someone who doesn't less deserve to have the things i have. how can i live breathe and fly when someone else cannot. how can i be a human being when all this is meaningless. how can the good of God be good if it cannot even surpass what i think is good? what the fuck!
how can i look at birds fly and feel like this? but how can't i?
and so maybe it's fairer if death were the end. i just don't understand it at all. i'm a christian, sure. but how about those who never get to choose without the duresses of life? and for the record, fuck predestination. there's a difference between God knowing that i'm saved and my choosing it. i'm not having this conversation right now.
i think ecclesiastes is right but i wish it were wrong. life really is meaningless. our lot is to live simply and enjoy what we can. oh but i wish it were wrong. look at us. every human has worth. that's all. Somebody ought to be fucking doing something about this.
the answer is Jesus, sure, fine, i get it. but my mind and my heart and strength don't see it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZUw78FXpG4
today i was looking at some birds fly, as they sometimes do when it rains. i often wonder why birds do that. i mean, if i think it's cold and stormy, sheesh, what does a bird think, right. but no, birds often fly about quite gleefully when its raining. i think they enjoy it. i think they flat out enjoy flying about in the rain. so as i sat there on the steps looking at maybe three dozen birds flying as they pleased, in a dizzying array of circuitous loops, dives and flutters, i wondered why the hell they were doing it, and as it was drizzling lightly, i came to the conclusion after about fifteen minutes that they must have had been doing it for fun. plain old willy-nilly fun. those birds were having fun. i dunno if that means anything to you, but it seemed uncanny to me. animals have fun too. they enjoy being alive.
and the other side of this coin of life is that there are birds who will never fly. i wondered how those birds feel. i don't know if they feel lonely, but i guess it's just as bad to have the unbearable feeling of never flying. or having the joy of flight taken away from you. miserable and abandoned, defenseless. and i was reminded of the quote in norwegian wood, that "death exists, not as the opposite of life but as a part of life."
and that's where i am right now. i don't look at life and say i want to live everyday to the fullest, i just want to be happy today, i just want the people around me to be happy, i want to do my best as far as i can. that's rubbish. i can't help but feel an unbearable feeling that there are people out there dying. i can't help but feel that life is so meaningless because somewhere out there someone who has only one shot at life is not getting his money's worth. someone out there is cold, hungry, and miserable, and curses life. that is not fair. i can't be, not like this. i can't look at myself in the mirror and wonder where the hell the greater things are. the things i believe in are worthless. i will someday die and the things that i've done are worth fuck-all. the whole world is worth fuck-all. and for the most part i don't care. i don't care that i'm alive. i don't care to be a good full man. i don't care, i don't care! in my empathy i've realised that my whole life is a selfish thing because i cannot share it with someone who doesn't less deserve to have the things i have. how can i live breathe and fly when someone else cannot. how can i be a human being when all this is meaningless. how can the good of God be good if it cannot even surpass what i think is good? what the fuck!
how can i look at birds fly and feel like this? but how can't i?
and so maybe it's fairer if death were the end. i just don't understand it at all. i'm a christian, sure. but how about those who never get to choose without the duresses of life? and for the record, fuck predestination. there's a difference between God knowing that i'm saved and my choosing it. i'm not having this conversation right now.
i think ecclesiastes is right but i wish it were wrong. life really is meaningless. our lot is to live simply and enjoy what we can. oh but i wish it were wrong. look at us. every human has worth. that's all. Somebody ought to be fucking doing something about this.
the answer is Jesus, sure, fine, i get it. but my mind and my heart and strength don't see it.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
LXXXVI - this life or the next
i think i know the answer. and it is very sad.
the answer that i have decided is correct is very simple.
we must lose everything in this life in order to gain holiness with God.
i wish that i had the strength to rebel. there are many things that i cannot bear to renounce. i know that to deny these things would destroy me humanly. i cannot bear to give up the good things, the things that i believe in, unless i believe that i give them up for something better; yet i cannot bear to give up these things. i fear that to give up my heart and my head and my strength would empty me. but i cannot rebel. i cannot rebel because my soul knows that there is a God, and it believes in him. i cannot rebel because my soul loves God - as only my faith-filled soul could. i wish i were dead; i would give up everything of me if i could simply die. and so that is my truth. i have given up one extreme and therefore must follow the other. just as Jesus gave up his godhood and became sin's sacrifice, so i am asked to give up my manhood. in the end this life is utterly meaningless.
life is deception
faith is truth
God is love
the answer that i have decided is correct is very simple.
we must lose everything in this life in order to gain holiness with God.
i wish that i had the strength to rebel. there are many things that i cannot bear to renounce. i know that to deny these things would destroy me humanly. i cannot bear to give up the good things, the things that i believe in, unless i believe that i give them up for something better; yet i cannot bear to give up these things. i fear that to give up my heart and my head and my strength would empty me. but i cannot rebel. i cannot rebel because my soul knows that there is a God, and it believes in him. i cannot rebel because my soul loves God - as only my faith-filled soul could. i wish i were dead; i would give up everything of me if i could simply die. and so that is my truth. i have given up one extreme and therefore must follow the other. just as Jesus gave up his godhood and became sin's sacrifice, so i am asked to give up my manhood. in the end this life is utterly meaningless.
life is deception
faith is truth
God is love
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