(This too has become evidence! So I might as well reveal it.)
My darling,
You are very young and very small, but I think you understand what is happening, in your own little way. In any case, one day I will explain it all to you. My hope is that on that day you will come to peace as I have come to peace.
I understand now why my lawyer urged me to work hard at a reconciliation. It was the only way for me to see you all the time. I hope it's possible, but it depends on your mother. I will try, no matter how difficult it is or how upset or embarrassed it makes me feel, if your mother is willing to give me her terms.
Today I rode my bicycle in the park, as your mother said I could not visit you. I will visit you tomorrow. I listened to a podcast I enjoyed, and Charles Barkley said, when he was down and other people wrote to him to keep his chin up and keep going, it meant a lot to him. I started crying when I heard that, but I decided not to. It's a little odd in public, and I had to blow my nose. I think people think I don't cry. The truth is that I cry a lot when I'm sad. I am very sad to see you so little. I will keep my little chin up, and I will keep going. You are very young and one day we will be very good friends. We will be best friends, at least on my end.
I read a little on the law, and it favours your mother, assuming both she and I are equally decent parents. Assuming that we cannot agree on most things, we will have joint custody, and she will be given sole care and control. That means that you don't get to live with me until you are an adult. I want you to have the chance, if you think it's fun to. But because you are very small, I don't want to confuse you too much either. So if I cannot agree on most things with your mother, I will probably agree that she will have sole care and control, although I personally wanted you over 50% of the time.
I hope to have very amicable and very full access to you. It means that I can do things with you without restrictions. For example, we can go to Gardens by the bay, or to Changi. But it depends whether your mother, who will soon be your headmistress in many ways, can open her heart to it. I will try to persuade her.
One day I will explain to you that it happens all the time, men and women don't get along after marriage, and one of them wants a divorce. I didn't want it. But if your mother wants it, I am not going to stop her. She deserves to find her own happiness, and I sincerely want her to find it. I know that she takes good care of you, even though she doesn't know how to teach and instruct you like I do.
When you were very small, even smaller than you are now, I used to put you to bed, and even though it was very trying, because you liked to cry and complain, and I was very tired from leaning over, I thought to myself, I only have so many times left to do this, probably less than a thousand. I did not know that today that number is zero. But, my darling, I have come to peace with it.
One day we will both have to answer to you. You will remonstrate with me. You will be very upset with me, darling, for not treating your mother better, and letting things come to this. You will also be very upset with your mother, for taking you away from me. I will answer for what I have done, I promise. I hope your mother can too.
If you ever need me, baby, I will be there.
