CLII - to past things

how often i think of you, my brother. when have i ever been sick, when have i ever been weak? no, brother, no. RIP, my dear old friend.

but how often also do i think of you, my dear girl. i am the pieces of a puzzle that i wanted to build with you. but the puzzle is no more; yet the pieces remain, and i am become the pieces that i wanted them to be. never mind the tautological (re)construction or the misconceived teleology. what i am now is this - i am, advertently, the pieces of a puzzle that fit nowhere, because your pieces are gone. if only i had never loved you! could not less be asked of me, after all.

CLI - my friend

goodbye, ali. may we be friends in another life.

CL - a thinking man

"Luke 10

 ... 

25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” 28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

Hebrews 11

Faith in Action
1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for.
3 By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.
4 By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead.
5 By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.” For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Ephesians 2

Made Alive in Christ 

1 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh[a] and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

 [emphasis added]

i have said for the longest time that i am trying to love God with all my mind. and what is that? to me, it is to apply, as far as possible, a human understanding to the concept of the Christian God, without stretching either the former epistemology or the latter theology past a point where either becomes fairly unrecognisable. in the vernacular, it is to turn to the dark side.

by that token, it suggests that i am putting together chalk and cheese. my mind does not have faith. that seems to be definitionally right. but is that capital C right?

perhaps what is meant in the Word by "love ... God with ... all your mind" is to take certain premises on faith and then to rationally accept and praise God. but to be blunt, that is a cop out or i'm a monkey's uncle. and yet, that seems to be what the above passages suggest to be right, capital C right.

thus my journey ends? surely not!

boy it's hard to be a thinking Christian.

CIL - so sing

i should have known better than to talk about you.

CXLVIII - even hatsumi has appeared now

joe bonamassa, driving towards the daylight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTG-bCMG05E

in my dream we were friends, simply friends.

and even in my dream i knew that i wanted nothing to do with it.

CXLVII - ok then.

dire straits, sultans of swing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2nQZPC2uTs

there is a moment in this song, a wonderful, magnificently captivating moment in this song.

allow it to take you, take it. suspend cognition and just be in it, in this moment that you could take.

it is a good moment and it will always be there for you.

in this moment i thought of joanne. i was afraid but i still thought, i gave it my thought. and the moment rose through me and as me. it was the best of my love for her, for joanne. it was my love and it was simply as it was, the best thing it was. and my love was the best it could be, the best it was. i accepted my love at its best. i could finally see it in its best, and i accepted it as that, forever.

it was me in that moment. all i have are fucked up feelings, but in that moment all was finally and wonderfully alright.

listen to this strange man and these wonderfully strange sounds coming from his guitar and there it is. there is my love for her.

i can't capture the moment anymore. but it echoes, and its soft resonances evoke the thought of my love, my perfect love, or, my love as it is perfected, although it will never be.

(ok then.)

CXLVI - it does when i think about it

i remembered a conversation i had a year ago, or maybe two years ago, with an old friend. she asked me, does seeing her hurt?

it was something like that, something to that effect. i can't remember the exact words of that line. but i remember saying, after a long (and at the time, meaningful, well i thought so) pause, i said, it does when i think about it.

and she said, well, then you should stop thinking about it.

and at the time i laughed. or at least i smiled, and i think i would have smiled bravely. but the point is that i didn't listen, and at the time i was sure that listening would be stupid.

but she knew better. i admit.

and you knew. you always knew. somehow i always believed but you always knew.

i don't hold anything against anyone for it, it's just how things are. and it's not my place to at all.

maybe you could never explain to me how you always knew, but i'm sure i could never explain to you how i always believed.