tan cheng han was right. your brain thinks about things even when you're not thinking only about them. this subconscious thinking is some damn powerful shit, imo. i wish him all the best. i don't know anyone more serene and polite (from afar) than this dean. only a wen juin could compare favourably with him.
let's cut to the chase, shall we.
here are the interests that have been dancing around in my mind. are these competing interests? yes and no. but that's uncontroversial, at least to me. ironic but true. anyway, in no order of preference (don't want to order if i don't have to),
1) to get a girlfriend
2) to honour God
3) to be patient
4) to study hard
5) to enjoy my life like hell
i have in my mind some intentions. something stronger than attraction, than fondness, than say, i like so-and-so. this is the second time i've ever got to this point, i think. maybe the first time was stronger, ah hell, that one was almost it. but let's not talk about that.
so i asked God, as i asked Him the last time, yes or no? and i think the last time He said No. i might have heard a Not Yet, but right now i suppose it's a Not This One. and i told Him i'd rather You didn't let me feel all these things if the answer was going to be a No. and i suppose that's what happened, for a while. but it's my fault i feel these things, so no biggie. i suppose i just want to gripe. that's fair, eh Old Man? :) i love You, Man.
so this time, i asked the same question. i said, God, if it's going to be a No, just tell me now, and i'll accept it. i'll even love You for it. ha, as if that would change. anyway, i said, just let me know, and i'll never doubt it.
and today as i was riding home from school, i thought to myself, i don't want any girl, i don't want to want any girl, i want a girl that wants me as much as i want her. i mean, what's the point of having a girl that you want more than she wants you? therefore... what's the point of trying so hard to get a girl you think you want, when what you want is for a girl to honestly let you know that she wants you?
i'll try to flesh it out a bit more. what i mean is this. i don't want to want a girl that doesn't want me, and i also don't want to get the girl i want that doesn't really want me. therefore there should be some wanting of this girl of me to begin with. like i've heard, and have come to believe, there has to be some physical (or other) attraction before one really begins to consider another as a good friend, better friend, so on and so forth. i'd say, even more so between boys and girls, non-platonically. therefore if i wanted a girl that didn't want me, i'd be barking up the wrong tree. however, if i wanted a girl that was attracted to me, all i really needed to do was to sit back, and let things develop naturally. well, something like that, not much more or less.
and there my answer was. there's your answer, ian.
in short, you don't really want to be the one wanting. you want to be wanted. reciprocity would be ideal, of course.
so there. on a physical and spiritual level, problem solved.
God will provide someone who i want and who wants me. or else God will let me live all my life waiting. either is good enough for me.
all the expectations and all the whatever, i can live with.
it seems as if the physical often conflicts with the spiritual. the bible warns of this 'warring'. thank God i've got it figured out for now.
