XXV - derivative from second principles, or, the cold comfort of logic

if i'm such an idealist,
and if i'm such a believer,

what the hell am i worried about.

XXIV - wistful smiles, oh.

i realise,

in the last post, i contradicted myself. but i'll stand by those words.

i obviously don't know all the answers. what i meant was, it really seems to me like i know all the answers, when i listen to other people talking about their lives. and it seems more and more that i know all the answers. and why shouldn't i? in one sense, yes, in Christ, i do know all the answers. and in another sense, it seems like i've been there before. but i don't say too much; people should lead their own lives.

here's the kicker, though: i have questions that i can't simply answer.

even if i know the deeper (deepest) answers to them, i can't answer them in short finality. i may know the end game answers, but right now's answers are always elusive. life is a great struggle, to put two and two together.

but that's the wonderful thing about life, the ineffable thing. that's life, kiddo! life, great, wild, abundant, fantastic. gosh, i fancy myself talking like anthony hopkins, in his meet-joe-black character.

maybe i'm more fortunate to be sure of the long term answers. maybe i wish it were different, maybe i would lose myself chasing the short term answers, hopelessly, crazedly. haha, rubbish, likely.

it's analagous to maslow's hierarchy of needs. it has its critics. but i'll say that the pyramid is really upside down. people fuck-care (pardon me) a lot of silly things if they have the best answers; conversely, the best answers sort out the silly things.

but i'm kinda in a phase where the silly things are biting back.

XXIII - years old, and waiting

i realise,

i know all the answers. i've heard your story before, in some other way, shape or form. or in some analogous idea. i know what you're saying, and i know what you're missing, and i know what i can say to make you understand.

my answers are true, and they are wise, and they are correct, and they are truth. you'd be surprised. i won't, though. i know all the answers.

i believe in what i know. when you hear me speak you'd know that i believe the stuff that i say. i say very little other than what i believe in. i talk a lot on occasion; but nothing i don't believe in.

i'm good at talking to people. and i know that people don't always want to listen, so i'm also good at listening to people. but people listen to people who listen; that's where i come in.

but sometimes i get disillusioned; sometimes mere answers are not enough. between wisdom and application is discipline and faith. in this sense, i'd like to think i'm about as strong as it gets, but even i am fallible.

questions come to me, like, why do i desire? why do i worry? why do i have my temperament?

what am i looking for?

and i find it odd that i want anything else than what i have right now, now of right now. blessed in mind and body, with anything a reasonable man could want, little to fear, and an unshakable faith. to live is Christ, and to die is gain, i actually understand and believe. a peace that surpasses all understanding, mine for the asking.

but there's just that little feeling. like i haven't found my ian-shaped hole in this world. where i'm supposed to be doing what i'm supposed to be doing. and all this while everything i'm doing is a side project, a distraction, something else, something unimportant. i feel like i'm waiting. and it's making me restless, distanced.

i doubt i'm missing a somebody, to be clear. i wonder if a somebody can give me something to really hold on to, but i don't think it's to do with a somebody. my fear is really that a somebody takes a place in my life, and i eventually come to the conclusion that it was never about a somebody.

maybe it's some romanticised idea in my mind that there's somewhere i should be. in a sense, having a dream is good. but what could it be?

life is more about questions than answers, i realise. without questions, you only have answers, at best.

XXI - guitar cycles

songs that remind me of a girl --> songs that i learn --> songs that i want to sing to a girl --> songs that make me wistful.

i think being wistful is my pet emotion.

such a list (as far as i can recall):

robbie williams - angels
u2 - with or without you
bon jovi - never say goodbye
goo goo dolls - here is gone
guns n roses - november rain
guns n roses - sweet child of mine
eric clapton - wonderful tonight
jimi hendrix - little wing
aerosmith - angel
john mayer - slow dancing in a burning room
starsailor - some of us
eric clapton - layla
u2 - bad
coldplay - warning sign
tommy emmanuel - angelina
john mayer - neon
john mayer - back to you
john mayer - free fallin'
michael stipes - in the sun
john mayer - 3x5

but come to think of it, not all of these songs went through every step. but the good ones did.
why bother writing songs when there are so many good ones out there, that say what you think. maybe this is why people write weird songs, cos the good ones are all taken. like pokerface. and alt rock, like tonight.

i think it's awesome to sing something that really means something to someone.

maybe that's why i keep practising.

i realise that i'm not in it to be awesome. music is just, a language, and it depends on someone who listens.

but for the record, i love my guitars. :D

XX - someday i'll say, this was always yours

in the sun by michael stipes, feat. coldplay

capo 3, Em7 - Cmaj7 - G - Dsus2/F#
i picture you in the sun, wondering what went wrong
you've fallen down on your knees, asking for sympathy
and being caught in between all you wish for, and all you seen
and trying to find anything you can feel, that you can believe in

may God's love be with you
always
may God's love be with you

i know i would apologise, if i could see in your eyes
'cause when you showed me myself, you know, i became someone else
but i was caught in between all you wish for, and all you need
i picture you fast asleep, a nightmare comes, you can't keep awake

may God's love be with you

always

may God's love be with you

'cause if i find, if i find my own way
how much will i find
if i find, if i find my own way
how much will i find you
you
i will find you
you

i don't know anymore, what it's for, i'm not even sure
if there is anyone who is in the sun, will you help me to understand
'cause i've been caught in between all you wish for, and all you need
maybe you're not even sure what it's for, any more than me

may God's love be with you

always

may God's love be with you

always

may God's love be with you

always, always

may God's love be with you

XIX - friday morning

i brought a packet of oreos to school today. no, two, actually. i ate one on the bus. and it was dry.

so as i walked up to school from the bus stop, i thought, hey, i'm gonna try that oreo and milk thing. with soya bean milk, though.

so that's what i did.

and as i pried open the cover of the tao huay zhui, and took out the first oreo cookie, i thought, this has to be overrated. but i thought, even if it's overrated, i'm still gonna try it.

and i ate the cookie. it was soggy, soft. but the part where i'd held it was still crunchy. and i wished the whole thing was sodden. but it was over before i finished that thought. and i washed it down with some milk. delicious.

and i took out another cookie, and i dipped it likewise, and i ate it. this time, i hadn't dipped it as long, or as much. i regretted it the moment i had it, but that too was soon over. dry. i washed it down again. mm.

and so i deftly unearthed the third cookie (if you're keeping score, it's the last). hefting aside the silly wrapper, i gazed momentarily along one edge of the cookie (yes i know, a circle has no sides [the customarily understood side being a flat line], or infinite sides [think of a regular polygon with ever-increasing sides], or one side [the curve]). hmm, the biscuits aren't parallel, the cream must be squeezed a little more at one part. nevertheless, i bravely held it into the milk, the edges of my fingers getting slightly wet too. ambitious, perhaps.  i noticed that small flecks of biscuit floated away on the surface of the milk, dispersing away, disappearing into the cup's great murky depths. like little germs. anyway, having made sure to hold it long enough, i lifted the cookie and smoothly transferred it upwards to my mouth.

ah. that's it. oh yeah, that's it.

and i washed it down with milk. now i had half the cup of milk left, so i saved it.

and i thought to myself, i should do this more often. but the easy rejoinder was, it's not going to be as awesome if you do it everyday.

my dear friends, ain't life grand.

p.s. maroon 5's sunday morning is about right. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2Cti12XBw4

XVIII - lessered

i dreamt that i had a girlfriend. but i'm not saying who.

i usually hate dreams that are nice and then when you wake up it turns out it's false. like i think i dreamt of good grades before. hmmph.

but i didn't mind waking up this time to find out that it wasn't real.

even though i'd admit to wishing... nvm.

i hate signs.

no more than i hate flying cockroaches.

and i'm quite sick of losing my temper.

but not all's bad. i'm almost completely at peace right now, thankfully. it has to do with some thinking and worrying, some time, some determination not to emo, some news, some gossip, some word, some realisation, some surrender, some thankfulness, some acceptance, some reappropriation of the situation, some recognition of self-worth, ditto that of others', some blessed peace. in other words, a dry run of exactly how much it took to strip my peace away, and how long it took before it came back. i think i passed, but it was almost phyrric.

it makes me afraid, it makes me feel tired, jaded. when will the next test come, what must i endure to overcome it. in relief, i am weary of being exposed, alone.

but this is my weakness.

what was it, again?

as a weary man who wants to take life slowly, i wonder if i've learnt my lesson.