i realise,
i know all the answers. i've heard your story before, in some other way, shape or form. or in some analogous idea. i know what you're saying, and i know what you're missing, and i know what i can say to make you understand.
my answers are true, and they are wise, and they are correct, and they are truth. you'd be surprised. i won't, though. i know all the answers.
i believe in what i know. when you hear me speak you'd know that i believe the stuff that i say. i say very little other than what i believe in. i talk a lot on occasion; but nothing i don't believe in.
i'm good at talking to people. and i know that people don't always want to listen, so i'm also good at listening to people. but people listen to people who listen; that's where i come in.
but sometimes i get disillusioned; sometimes mere answers are not enough. between wisdom and application is discipline and faith. in this sense, i'd like to think i'm about as strong as it gets, but even i am fallible.
questions come to me, like, why do i desire? why do i worry? why do i have my temperament?
what am i looking for?
and i find it odd that i want anything else than what i have right now, now of right now. blessed in mind and body, with anything a reasonable man could want, little to fear, and an unshakable faith. to live is Christ, and to die is gain, i actually understand and believe. a peace that surpasses all understanding, mine for the asking.
but there's just that little feeling. like i haven't found my ian-shaped hole in this world. where i'm supposed to be doing what i'm supposed to be doing. and all this while everything i'm doing is a side project, a distraction, something else, something unimportant. i feel like i'm waiting. and it's making me restless, distanced.
i doubt i'm missing a somebody, to be clear. i wonder if a somebody can give me something to really hold on to, but i don't think it's to do with a somebody. my fear is really that a somebody takes a place in my life, and i eventually come to the conclusion that it was never about a somebody.
maybe it's some romanticised idea in my mind that there's somewhere i should be. in a sense, having a dream is good. but what could it be?
life is more about questions than answers, i realise. without questions, you only have answers, at best.
