XXXVII - not of this world

is the answer that there is no answer
is the truth that there is no truth
is the way that there is no way

actually,

i'm looking for something. and it's not something that can be found, here and now.
i know what my answer is.
but part of it is being here, where there isn't what i need.
the answer may be inversely discoverable from the things i do not need
but i remember that i know the answer
yet part of it is having me here
lost, confused, frustrated, bewildered, disorientated
from trying to fit in into a world i'm not supposed to belong
with people i tell myself that i only want to trust me
forsaking a lot of things, but am i supposed to live these things
or to model after the godfather
when my model should be my Jesus Christ
what kind of person should i want to become
to grow to be, instead of always clowning around
why not the godfather
everybody wants to be d'artagnan, but i realise i want to be athos
cool, noble athos

i realise i want something that makes me want to live
just like every other dumb shit on this earth
only thing is
i'm not supposed to want to do that
everything i believe in
that i want to be
(faith, etc.; wisdom, maturity, etc.)
tells me that i should be a godfather type of character
unless i'm mistaken

i begin to see that my confusion
stems in part from thinking too hard on the subject
when life without such superfluous thinking would be easier
and yet
such as i am
this is my path to tread

it would be easy to assume that i long for heaven
and indeed, such is my assumption and my comfort
but i am to remain here till my last days
just like my Jesus Christ
and so i shall long, and worry, and slightly suffer
so i shall pass my days, uncomfortably

i wish for the days when i just live
drunkenly, carelessly
and let life come to be, come to me

but such would be an illusion
and i sadly would know
that although illusions make our world go round
yet illusions are only illusions in the end

"If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you."

"I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world."

XXXVI - holidays can be bittersweet too

song of the week: 裘海正, 愛我的人和我愛的人
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nxWB2rmZ5E

honourable mention: john mayer, stop this train
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BTzNX5OMN4

boy hk is nice. and i may not show it, but i thought the company was great too. i'll probably always remember the girls and the one guy when i think of hk. :)

i actually learnt a lot of things. and wish i could say more sometimes. but i think of these things when i think of whether i should say these things: that every person has the right to dream; and i don't really want to impose or intrude.

i'm afraid the girls are kinda not used to me too. haha sigh. i tend to act cool sometimes lar. but like i say, at the end of the day, i really only want people to trust me. and i think i manage that.

wow. really got so many memories. a quick list - the cantonese, the trains, the currency, the roads, ymca, the harbour, roast goose, the streets, the subway/ street level distinction, dim sum, ocean park, drinking + hilarity, the venetian (omg), the peak, the open top bus, dim sum, 臭豆腐, milk tea, po lo pau, roast meats, airport madness.

i tell you what i regret not being able to say k: friend, i don't really know what's going on, but you have to think about letting it go. the day before, this was you in a microcosm: walking down the street next to her with your right shoelaces untied. maybe you know it, and you're choosing to ignore it, or maybe you don't even know it. i'm worried for you, man. if you think you can keep on, and maybe you won't ever trip, well, who knows. 

i'm trying to think maybe you know what you're doing, but man i'm worried for you. and the thing is you're so not independent. i wish you got a good buddy to talk this sort of thing with; i don't know you well enough to presume to tell you all these things.

and i wish the girls knew better; but i suppose they don't know what to do with you either.

that's you, man; i wish for your sake you'd grow up.

besides that, i realise that girls really worry alot about people they care for.

i really don't think i want someone to worry for me.

bittersweet can be so annoying. a really fun holiday, until i had to worry about stuff. let's hope i worry too much.

and let's hope i make a good godfather type.