is the answer that there is no answer
is the truth that there is no truth
is the way that there is no way
actually,
i'm looking for something. and it's not something that can be found, here and now.
i know what my answer is.
but part of it is being here, where there isn't what i need.
the answer may be inversely discoverable from the things i do not need
but i remember that i know the answer
yet part of it is having me here
lost, confused, frustrated, bewildered, disorientated
from trying to fit in into a world i'm not supposed to belong
with people i tell myself that i only want to trust me
forsaking a lot of things, but am i supposed to live these things
or to model after the godfather
when my model should be my Jesus Christ
what kind of person should i want to become
to grow to be, instead of always clowning around
why not the godfather
everybody wants to be d'artagnan, but i realise i want to be athos
cool, noble athos
i realise i want something that makes me want to live
just like every other dumb shit on this earth
only thing is
i'm not supposed to want to do that
everything i believe in
that i want to be
(faith, etc.; wisdom, maturity, etc.)
tells me that i should be a godfather type of character
unless i'm mistaken
i begin to see that my confusion
stems in part from thinking too hard on the subject
when life without such superfluous thinking would be easier
and yet
such as i am
this is my path to tread
it would be easy to assume that i long for heaven
and indeed, such is my assumption and my comfort
but i am to remain here till my last days
just like my Jesus Christ
and so i shall long, and worry, and slightly suffer
so i shall pass my days, uncomfortably
i wish for the days when i just live
drunkenly, carelessly
and let life come to be, come to me
but such would be an illusion
and i sadly would know
that although illusions make our world go round
yet illusions are only illusions in the end
"If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you."
"I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world."
