song of the week: 刘德华, 一起走过的日子
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtH2yW-SpsU
i was thinking today of a girl who was once very special to me.
was i wrong? two out of the three persons whose opinion mattered saw that it would be a mistake. And so now, two years on, is it time i realised it?
what about the basic requirements - that she liked me, that she was Christian, and that she was not attached? ah, insufficient. i admit one of these remained unconfirmed, to her admirable credit.
what then of what i felt? if that wasn't love, then what did i know of love? was love only a feeling? then what can i say of love that i do know, God's love, my love for others, etc. and then why allow me (i won't say lead me) to love such and such a girl, and not have it? if i doubt of even love, then everything changes.
and now what feelings i have for her are bittersweet at the best of times. and quite annoying at others. it feels like. lousy nothing.
i'm kinda sick of always not having what i want. sure, i'll admit that i treasure the things i've learnt, that i value my independence, that the peace that i know from this time is one that surpasses. heck i'll even admit that i'm grateful for all the blessings i have, and i won't do so grudgingly. and i think i've learnt enough to be alright when it comes time. so sometimes i think, i deserve a chance. and i hear the answer, that He doesn't want to give me a chance, He wants to give me the one. and i remember promising that i never want more than what He wants for me, whether or not i get what i want.
i've grappled with all the crappy feelings that come from being alone, and i think i've lived with them long enough to say that i've bettered them. and i've given a decent enough account of myself while at it.
so what more? can a man not complain to his God, and expect a clear answer?
i sorta think the answer is that complaints become meaningless when God is present. and that is some answer.
i don't expect a more presently satisfying answer to come tomorrow when i wake up. i don't expect it within the next week, or by next month, or before i'm thirty, i don't expect it to come at all, before the great end. but for the record, i possess the right to complain, and bearing as well as i can and will, i do exercise my right to complain, and therefore further acknowledge that my God hears me.
