there's something to be said about having doubts
whether the path i choose and the way i choose to take it
is costing me
costing me things i might not need, but things i might like to have
things like fun
although i think i still get fun
besides which, fun is kinda a distraction
a good friend once said, she was a mentor
she said that i was more likely to be a good boyfriend than a good husband
and i didn't like the sound of that, although i knew it was alright because i knew i could be a good husband, sure
and it made me sound cool so that was probably alright. i could live with that
but i think now it might seem like that statement wouldn't be so true of me
i'm hardly more a good boyfriend than a good husband
this isn't only about girls, it's more about the image i carry
which i'm trying to have reflect the things i believe in
like for instance
i'd rather be trustworthy, than fun
and serious, than easy-going
and deliberate, than random
and contemplative, than chatty
things like that
and it sometimes feels like the choices i make have some opportunity cost
sometimes i wonder what i miss out on
i don't get it
why don't people value trustworthiness anymore?
i suspect they do
or i would quickly lose faith in those who don't
interesting
do people feel more comfortable with others when they know their weaknesses?
i think it has something to do with independence
my independence that makes me cold
i might have thanked the girls for being so nice to me
it was nice to have their company
with them as friends, i hardly doubted the path i took
ultimately, doubts are so much a part of life, capital Life
that i'm used to examining them, understanding their concerns
they're a bit seasonal
and the funny thing is that the more i restrain myself from previous ways, ways not unnatural to me
the more cunning my doubts grow, threatening to undermine my resolve on my chosen path
nevertheless, i suppose i'll do my best and bear these doubts
and i shall do so
with vigour
