i had a moment of halcyon (what a word! i sooo love thesaurus.com) reflection today. as i made my round around bedok reservoir, the sky was grey and calm, the trees were full and swaying, and there was quiet all around. the kind of gentle quiet that makes things slow down, so that softer sounds stir. leaves fell to the ground as they always have, buffeted and caroused by playful breezes, interrupted only by the implausible combination of uncommon luck and a nimble hand. as i ran i thought, if only running could solve everything. so i wished that forever i could run through these trees.
restfully seated on a bench, i thought, man, i'm plateauing. i don't think i've become better in any way since i've been twenty-four. the past two years have meant nothing to me as a person. i usually look back at passing years in my life and can pick out phases of growing up, of learning. i mostly feel that i have things to better myself at. but i can't say that of the past two years, and whether it might not be the same way going forward.
i feel that i've become less strong. physically, yes; but i don't begrudge that. more importantly, i feel that there are some parts of my psyche that are less resilient, less robust, less self-sufficient. like the difference between naked snake and old snake. i feel more keenly what it is to be alone. i worry more about things which i would previously have laughed at myself for worrying about, even relatively important things; or at least, i take longer to laugh at myself lately. i feel the dim and dusk of evenings, that great affliction of mine, more severely; the pallor that that witchful hour casts on me weighs more gloomily, more seriously, more ponderously. if i am not cheerful, i am morose. i wish for... things, and times. i feel... vapid. like my adventures are over. like peter pan without never never land.
if this observation is correct, there are at least two conclusions i ought to draw. one is that i don't think there's anything left for me to learn or that is worth learning. i leave you to consider how wide this latter limb might be; it is entirely possible that i am right. [note that by "learn" i mean, to become better at]. two is that my willpower to learn has become too low. in other words, i'm tired of this phase.
there's always a way out. i know that. i know that i can rid myself of this passivity, this sluggishness.
but for so long, all i have had is this process. this god damn process. all the things that i am is due in part to this fucking process. this waiting, watching, thinking, and learning.
and where would i go? is there a world more free? and what then of the meaning of this struggle?
someday, i'll be twenty-seven. and so on. maybe there are no answers, only perspectives.
but i insist that is it better to be me than to be something else. i insist. so let not this cup be taken from me.
