i was at acs(i) training yesterday, and i realised how much i missed the old me.
it wasn't the building and the old trodden paths, and the field, and the sights, that brought this out. it was a person there, a young man.
cocky. brave. strong. smart. cheeky. cheerful. attractive, as in charisma. leaderly. a devillish, handsome grin.
and i thought to myself, that was me. before army made me bitter. and i promised to never forget. and i wondered how long a young man could keep that up in life.
i think of wen juin sometimes, and i wonder how different we are. and i don't think there's too much of it in there. minus the jane austen stuff, wen juin is to me what i'd become if i hadn't become bitter. i love wen juin.
the word bitter is too strong. i know i'm not a bitter person. but i'm not cheerful as i used to be, either. and that makes me bitter in comparison, it does.
and i think of another friend of mine, who i think is too bitter. but who could blame him? between the two of us, either, there's not so much that's not the same. but that's the way things happen.
if i had a choice, i'd wake up tomorrow, and i'd be exactly the person i used to be. the person that i dearly loved. and i do have that choice.
i suspect i've been trying for a long time to remember that young man. but i've forgotten what he looks like, until lately. but it also shows me that i recognise the qualities that i cherish, so i don't need someone else to follow, and i know what can be done.
thanks, yam. although you don't know it.
