i can count the number of times i've been really depressed in my life. it's not me to be that way.
there's no point feeling sorry for oneself, i feel. but these few days i wake up and feel utterly disconnected. i wish i could play a perfect piano piece to ease myself into life, to channel some goddamn beauty. it's not a feeling of loneliness. i think being lonely is something i've gotten used to, like the sound of the wind, and the fullness of the sky. i don't like to feel sorry for myself. but i think i'm just truly, truly disappointed.
and that's the thing about life. tomorrow i have to wake up and, no matter how i feel, go on. i'll get up and will myself to live with a passion. i can't help it if my friends are around. i don't want to be my bad self around my friends. but nights i am disconsolate.
i was so depressed today i sat at the bus stop to think for a while. it felt strange to stone there, to be listless at a deserted place. and i just couldn't go on, you know. i'd planned to go running but i just couldn't do it. i realised that i had sympathy for everybody, and that was killing me.
you know, i think that's the stupid thing about life. like it or not, everybody's world is just a little bit fucked up. it's that little bit that fucks you up. everybody personally thinks that he's doing the right thing, he's doing the best he can. and when people live together they fuck each other's lives up, without being aware of it, or without wanting to, or being unable to do anything else. it's terrifying how life shows the bad side of people. and because of what? because of the scarcity of things? i can't bear to think how often people feel aggrieved with each other over something like money. i despise money. i hate how it undergirds the interactions between people for whom money is a realistic concern. you know, a lot of the time i feel that rich people will never understand the cruelty of money. and then i feel so horrible because so many in this world are poor.
i was extremely depressed to think how everybody is a little fucked up. life is so short and sad, and everybody is nonetheless a little fucked up. a family, and we make our lives awful for each other. that is so utterly depressing.
