written in response to a quoted christian poem, after a long and deep talk with said quoter. a good friend.
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well, i've heard so many versions of this "wonderful unknowable work of God" that i guess you could say it doesn't do very much for me anymore.
like i've said, i believe in it, sure, but what does it mean to, on the one hand, accept that God's work is like this, and on the other hand, to live a very strange and imperfect life, which to many, is all there seems to be to it? and life is so cruel and hopeless and quite ridiculous sometimes, and how is it that we have lives full and happy while others are poor or downtrodden and piteous? it just doesn't make sense how INCONGRUOUS it all is, as if the underlying principle has a fatal flaw in it.
the thing i can't get my head around is that life seems to be a stupid game but it is such an awful one. i mean, if we all simply have to believe before we die, what else is life about? could you really say that a full christian life, furthering the kingdom etc. means anything? how many christians even do that, or understand what they believe in? on top of that, how many of them give a heck about how the world really is, without being handicapped by their own insecurities?
and life seems to have no meaning if you consider that some die without even really living at all, not the way we have. we are chosen, but why? it doesn't make sense, it doesn't have a coherence i imagine a good world to have. and (this is a real issue i think, for non-christians) how is it then that the good world i imagine is better than one which God has made? would you not agree that given some Creator power it is possible we might make a kinder world?
i'll take it as given that you agree with me that loving God by choice is something that God wishes from us the most, i.e. it is the key underlying thing in the bible. but the thing is to have choice one must have certain pre-conditions, like say, having heard the Word, and being in a position to accept it and believe. but that doesn't hold true for everyone who's ever lived. and for some the roots and thorns of this world have really strangled the growth of the seed. can nothing be done for them? but how cruel life is!
it irks me all the time that these are questions to which the answer is that, God's work is unknowable, his foolishness is better than the wisdom of man, and that we have all sinned and brought death and ruin to this world. i can accept that faith is a leap of logic, but the faith i want to believe in must make sense to my mind. and the terrible state of the world is strong evidence that there is a senseless element to it, to christianity. here's one - did God really send a flood to kill everyone in Noah's time? why wasn't Jesus enough for them? and if God doesn't change, then what does it all mean?
look this is all a bit of a diatribe and i don't really expect you to want to reply it at all. but this is how i feel with my mind and my heart. i think you know what i mean, i think you do. and to me, i doubt any christian author can tell me more than what i already know from reading the bible. and when i read stuff that takes all this for granted, it also irks me. i'm sure you can see why i've stopped going to church, and looking for christian "wisdom". well, sorry to drop all that on you. haha i'd give you a wry smile now.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
CXXIV - small notes and smallish conclusions
beyond good and evil is a very strange book. but at least it's honest - it does read like "a prelude to a philosophy of the future", it seems to want the reader to know that it's only laying some groundwork. it's radical though. i'm not sure it should be allowed... if ever i've read what might be a banned book, this would be it. besides that, i wouldn't say i understand half the things nietzsche writes about, except when he talks about a few ideas i've been thinking about, like say, the moral viewpoint, or the solitude of philosophers, or the inanity of general society. but here's the really cool thing about this book - on the one hand it has complete disregard for everything ever written, and on the other hand it (well, he) is quite, quite erudite. somewhere in there an incredibly smart man is rebelling against everything we know, and the passion with which he writes is terrifying.
i'm quite glad murakami hasn't won the nobel prize yet, actually. i think iq84 doesn't merit it. it's no one hundred years of solitude, let me tell you that. but the thing is, in no way does him not winning the nobel make him less of an author to me. i love him.
the new guitar that i got is really nice, really nice. the feel of the fretboard is good, you know what i mean? your hand just wants to wrap languidly around its neck, your fingers just want to glide and prance on its frets. i always want to pick it up and make guitar sounds come out of it. just pluck away and let the notes ring true. yes.
you know, it's strange to me how since coming out of jc, i've often in my life found pockets of time to do all the things i want. part b is just another example. i think this course is terrible. i loved reading law in nus, but this course is like an O-level year. which is really stupid, don't you think? i mean we're well and truly educated now, and we're reduced to studying for an exam which is "muggable". i despise it. to me it detracts from reading law like an adventure, like a goddamn rabbit-hole. well, anyway, this course has given me bundles, oodles, nay, spadeloads of free time. and i think this much will stay with me for a long time, i.e. the afternoons spent after lunch playing tennis with zy before class. it felt right to do things like that, you know? to be young again, not a goddamn care but making sure the little green fuzzy ball goes to the other side. afternoon sun, sweaty, cussing out every goddamn thing, but having fun like kids. yes, these were the best of times.
more than a year has passed since my good friend dl passed away. like the character in murakami's book, i do think about him less, although i still picture what he looks like quite well. most of the angst has gone too. i still don't want to listen to certain songs, like brothers in arms. in a little corner of my heart a little candle burns away for dl. i hope that when i die i will just disappear. i don't want anybody to be sad.
i have come to think of solitude as the only thing on earth i know of which provides increasing returns. what is a little bit more interesting is in the possible evolution of how i look at people and friends. whatever other phases i've been through, and i think people generally do too, in being selective about their friends, etc., i think i'm at the waning end of the disdainful, disparaging phase. not that i necessarily will come out of this phase, but it is interesting to me, that maybe i won't look at people as if i want them to understand me, to be kindred in heart, mind and spirit. it is perhaps, impossible, a posteriori. therefore i am alone and all the better for accepting it, but in a more expansive and also correspondingly in a more detached way i am more compassionate to my friends. that is, interesting, isn't it?
i'm quite glad murakami hasn't won the nobel prize yet, actually. i think iq84 doesn't merit it. it's no one hundred years of solitude, let me tell you that. but the thing is, in no way does him not winning the nobel make him less of an author to me. i love him.
the new guitar that i got is really nice, really nice. the feel of the fretboard is good, you know what i mean? your hand just wants to wrap languidly around its neck, your fingers just want to glide and prance on its frets. i always want to pick it up and make guitar sounds come out of it. just pluck away and let the notes ring true. yes.
you know, it's strange to me how since coming out of jc, i've often in my life found pockets of time to do all the things i want. part b is just another example. i think this course is terrible. i loved reading law in nus, but this course is like an O-level year. which is really stupid, don't you think? i mean we're well and truly educated now, and we're reduced to studying for an exam which is "muggable". i despise it. to me it detracts from reading law like an adventure, like a goddamn rabbit-hole. well, anyway, this course has given me bundles, oodles, nay, spadeloads of free time. and i think this much will stay with me for a long time, i.e. the afternoons spent after lunch playing tennis with zy before class. it felt right to do things like that, you know? to be young again, not a goddamn care but making sure the little green fuzzy ball goes to the other side. afternoon sun, sweaty, cussing out every goddamn thing, but having fun like kids. yes, these were the best of times.
more than a year has passed since my good friend dl passed away. like the character in murakami's book, i do think about him less, although i still picture what he looks like quite well. most of the angst has gone too. i still don't want to listen to certain songs, like brothers in arms. in a little corner of my heart a little candle burns away for dl. i hope that when i die i will just disappear. i don't want anybody to be sad.
i have come to think of solitude as the only thing on earth i know of which provides increasing returns. what is a little bit more interesting is in the possible evolution of how i look at people and friends. whatever other phases i've been through, and i think people generally do too, in being selective about their friends, etc., i think i'm at the waning end of the disdainful, disparaging phase. not that i necessarily will come out of this phase, but it is interesting to me, that maybe i won't look at people as if i want them to understand me, to be kindred in heart, mind and spirit. it is perhaps, impossible, a posteriori. therefore i am alone and all the better for accepting it, but in a more expansive and also correspondingly in a more detached way i am more compassionate to my friends. that is, interesting, isn't it?
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
CXXIII - channeling selves
do you ever wonder what you were in a past life?
i think about it all the time.
i've narrowed it down to about three. it could be more, but for now three is plenty.
i was either a guitar player in a hard rock band, an italian (gotta be italian) motorcycle racer, or a philosopher. maybe a student of nietzsche. i could have been any one of these, and perfectly so.
conversely, if i could have a dream job, i might be a motorcycle racer, a stunt pilot, or an nba coach. but i'm not really in it for the dream though, long or short term. i'm a lawyer. that's it. in many ways i feel it's the right thing for me.
like i always think, it's funny how everything works out in my life, except girls. and the funny thing is that it's not a general problem, but a great tragedy. it is, as at this reckoning, merely dramatic - it is but a great tragedy. you know how sometimes you know that what you're doing is right, no matter what the ostensible result, present or future, is? that that is more important than the adversity of loneliness and dejection and self-pity? i mean when i look at it, some days are easier than others, some not so much. but i feel in my heart that i can't change the way i live. it's... bad luck, tragedy, self-realisation and providence. i don't need answers anymore, because nowadays i just haven't the old questions. things are, and are, and are.
it is not only that things are as they were meant to be; the person i am is also as it was meant to be.
i think about it all the time.
i've narrowed it down to about three. it could be more, but for now three is plenty.
i was either a guitar player in a hard rock band, an italian (gotta be italian) motorcycle racer, or a philosopher. maybe a student of nietzsche. i could have been any one of these, and perfectly so.
conversely, if i could have a dream job, i might be a motorcycle racer, a stunt pilot, or an nba coach. but i'm not really in it for the dream though, long or short term. i'm a lawyer. that's it. in many ways i feel it's the right thing for me.
like i always think, it's funny how everything works out in my life, except girls. and the funny thing is that it's not a general problem, but a great tragedy. it is, as at this reckoning, merely dramatic - it is but a great tragedy. you know how sometimes you know that what you're doing is right, no matter what the ostensible result, present or future, is? that that is more important than the adversity of loneliness and dejection and self-pity? i mean when i look at it, some days are easier than others, some not so much. but i feel in my heart that i can't change the way i live. it's... bad luck, tragedy, self-realisation and providence. i don't need answers anymore, because nowadays i just haven't the old questions. things are, and are, and are.
it is not only that things are as they were meant to be; the person i am is also as it was meant to be.
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