XII i know that it comes...

Johnnie M is a genius. i love how he's played chords at different frets.

Back To You by John Mayer

Asus2 – 002200
F#m11 – 2x2204
Bm7add11 – 020200
Eadd9 – 024100
F#m7 – 202220
Bm7 – x20202
F#7sus2 – 2x2120
E5 – x79900
Aadd9/C# - 9x7900
D6add9 - x57900
F#m7add11 – x97900
Bsus4 – x24400
Fsus2 – 13301x
Eadd2/G# - 4x445x
A6add9 – 5x445x
D6add9(2) – x57700
Bm7add11(v) – 7x7755
C#m7add11 – 9x9977
Cmaj9 – x3243x
Dmaj9 – x5465x
F#m9 - 202120
Eadd9add11 - 004100
F#m11 - 202100

Intro: Asus2-F#m11-Bm7add11-Eadd9-F#m11

Asus2
Back to you
It always comes around
F#m7
Back to you
Bm7
I tried to forget you
Eadd9
I tried to stay away
F#7sus2 F#m7
But it's too late

Over you
I'm never over
Over you
Something about you
It's just the way you move
The way you move me

E5
Yeah
Aadd9/C# D6add9 E5
I'm so good at forgetting
Aadd9/C# D6add9 E5
And I quit every game I play
F#m7add11 Aadd9/C# D6add9
But forgive me, love
Bsus4 E5
I can't turn or walk away

Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
With your silhouette

Yeah
Should have smiled on that picture
If that's the last that I'll see of you
It's the least that you
Could not do

Bridge: E5 Fsus2 C G5

Eadd2/G# A6add9 D6add9(2)
Leave the light on
Eadd2/G# A6add9 D6add9(2)
I'll never give up on you
Eadd2/G# A6add9 D6add9(2)
Leave the light on
Bm7add11(v)
For me too
C#m7add11
For me too
Cmaj9
For me too
Dmaj9
Yeah

Instrumental: Asus2 F#m11 Bm7add11 Eadd9 F#m11

A
Back to me
F#m9
I know that it comes
Back to me
Bm7
Doesn't it scare you
Eadd9add11
Your will is not as strong
F#m11
As it used to be

XI acapella bros

we belted out the lyrics to desperado, not always in tune
nor in time
nor in harmony

but the three of us boys did it justice
because we pined as we sang

no, i only guessed at what they were pining at
and the things they regretted
and their hopes that were dashed

but only sad people sing desperado
only people missing people

good thing i'm not really one of them, phew
i just belt out the words, and second guess the feelings
thank goodness i have my peace

desperado, why don't you come to your senses
you've been out riding fences, for so long now

X ian on guitar stuff, epi. 2 - best 170 dollars i've ever spent

november 2004 - present, $170, aria AF-25 acoustic guitar, black

i have sort of hazy memories of why i wanted to get a guitar. i just up and got it, i think. just one fine sunny day, in j1, made up my mind to learn to play the guitar.

hmm... childhood memories. let's see.

i've obviously heard people play the guitar before, in church, on tv, etc. never really listened to music much, got my first cd player when i was sec two, i think, and the first cd i ever ever bought was u2's all that you can't leave behind. without anyone's recommendation. i'm damn proud of myself right now. bono's voice was so strong and calling and mysterious, and the edge's guitar was so emo, so fantastic. so that was when i really started to listen to music, thank God. narrowly missed the tween pop rubbish.

but i've never really really really wanted to play the guitar. my dad and mom used to play deep purple damn loud, i mean Damn Loud, like downstairs can hear from my house loud. strange people! and i was quite unaffected by the loud riffs and the strong wailing singing and the percussive drum beats. it was just noise to me. like as a child you wonder, why do grown up people gotta do things so loudly? but that was then, when music meant little to me.

oh my mom signed me up for piano with my sis when i was young. but i stopped after one lesson. i couldn't give a shit about it, even back then (lol!), and couldn't at all be bothered to find a note on the keyboard, like the first lesson was about. incredible, come to think of it, that my sis was forced to learn and i wasn't. *shrug* i actually bought a yamaha clp-810 digital piano for $165 three months back, what september 2009? but that's a story for another time.

so, memories, hmm. nope, really. no recollection of musical influence, encouragement or inspiration in my childhood. except for the odd musical toy (you know the kind that runs around playing a midi of i forgot what tune, i can hum it but God knows what song it is [Llorando Se Fue omg], and a digital keyboard my grandpa bought for us once, that ran on 6, or was it 8, count em' 6 C size batteries, that played a midi of Billy Joel's Just the Way You Are). i hated the karoake, i always thought it sounded damn phony to be singing about everlasting love when my family was having its difficulties (well which one doesn't, right), and i just didn't sing much, other than the anthem and school song and various p5 chinese songs at gep camp (gep camp!) and the blimming beautiful ac song. i always used to get goosebumps when the school sang that song. and be Thou my vision. and to God be the glory. God bless acs. acsi, mind you. oh... ac primary too.

so, indifferent, indifferent, okay. why not give it a shot. cheap, right, hundred odd bucks, learn a few songs, tickle a few girls. Ha! that really worked out! as if. anyway, j1, nothing to do, called up some old friends, jonk and jonlin, and went to ranking at bras basah, picked out an el cheapo black guitar, went home none the wiser.

i'm chuckling as i write this. God i'm an old man.

hmm. couldn't quite get my fingers in their right spots, couldn't really make the notes strum out, couldn't change the chords to save my life! string noise, bad technique, fingers touching where they shouldn't, not getting the terminology right, (up was right and down was left, goodness!), memorising Eddie Ate Dynamite Good Bye Eddie, tuning, rusty strings, fingers hurting after like ten minutes (pussyyy), oh Lord my rhythm was so bad! i couldn't get a rhythm going to save my life, man. bass strings, then treble strings... huh? strum with wrist or forearm? holding the pick felt funny, cranking my wrist to reach the frets, hand muscles Really Really tired, arm too, man i was useless. utterly useless. first song i tried to learn was urh stairway to heaven, i think. that took damn damn long, the first part, starting with the hand at the fifth fret (yeah you know that one). oh no! the first song jonk taught me was i could sing of Your love forever. it was easy, e shape chord, 2nd, 4th, 7th, 9th frets. goodness. the first what six weeks i went absolutely nowhere.

and then i learnt a strumming pattern. who was it that taught me down, down-up, up-down. goodness i think it was chris teo. and he passed me a brown fender pick, which i still have now. those shitty pick-this-pick picks kept breaking. Shitty picks. anyway, with that one rhythm, my whole guitar playing experience changed. that was definitely my first level up. i broke into a giant ass hugest grin that i have in my collection of expressions grin. exciting times, man, exciting times to be young. i played some easy worship song with that, and i was there. ding! a level 2 guitar noob.

i'll admit there's never really been a high like that on my acoustic ever since that first rhythm. there's been ups and downs lar. as far as acoustic rhythm goes, i can strum, maybe a little bit of improvised strumming, but the real rhythmey stuff i've yet to scratch, i'll admit. the bluesy robert j stuff? the neat stuff pastor dave showed us that time? slappin' n poppin'? whatever, man. in my defence i think that it's hard to improvise when you're not getting great tone, as when you have a crappy guitar. but that's a shitty excuse. obviously, and i one hundred percent believe this, it's in the hands. but tone really makes you wanna play, it does.

and i'm not real good on funny chords, like the inversions, and the added 5ths and different root notes and what have you. i think that's definitely something i have to work on right now, those chord inversions. but like i said, when it doesn't sound good on a crappy guitar, then it's unlikely you really wanna try it. shitty stuff makes you work harder on technique, but less inspired to. but like i always say, if it were easy, everyone would do it.

so, this guitar then. her name is milady, but i'm not real big on that. and this is where it all started.

http://www.facebook.com/ianhoho?v=app_2392950137&ref=name#/video/video.php?v=182656579677

ah well, moving on then. introducing in the next episode, my first electric guitar. stay tuned!

IX ian on guitar stuff, epi. 1 - for pete's sake, man!

gas list 2

jim dunlop blue jimi hendrix fuzz/ monsterpiece npn fuzz

updates 2

dec 2010 - present, $20, behringer digital reverb 100
dec 2010 - present, $90, installed those lindy fralins, misc. adjustments
jan 2011 - present, $130, dunlop 535q crybaby wah
feb 2011 - present, $35, beta aivin noise gate 100
feb 2011 - present, $150, mi-audio tube zone

updates

february 2010 - present, $1500, 01' gibson les paul standard, cherry sunburst
february 2010 - present, $175, lindy fralin single coil pickups, white
march 2010 - present, $200, boss dd7 digital delay

presenting, all the precious guitar stuff i've ever bought.

november 2004 - present, $170, aria AF-25 acoustic guitar, black
july 2005 - mid 2006, $220, craftsman gs-200 les paul copy, flame maple electric guitar, -$180
july 2005 - november 2009, $110, marshall mg 15-cdr, clean/ overdrive 15W solid state amp, -$90
august 2005 - may 2009, $104, marshall jackhammer jh-1, overdrive/ distortion pedal, -$20
mid 2006 - may 2009, $250, epiphone sg special, black electric guitar, -$220
mid 2007 - jan 2011, $170, morley pwov, wah/volume pedal, -$80
early 2009 - present, $60, yamaha cg-131s, classical guitar
june 2009 - present, $1150, '91 fender american standard stratocaster, gun-metal blue electric guitar
july 2009 - present, $140, mi audio crunchbox (v1), distortion pedal
august 2009 - present, $175, om labs sahasrara (v1), overdrive pedal
august 2009 - present, borrowed, moen mo-pd, delay pedal
october 2009 - present, $75, misse mp1, pedalboard
october 2009 - present, $20, johnson mini amp, clean 4W solid state amp
october 2009 - present, $35, behringer v-tone gdi21, amp simulator/ direct input box
october 2009 - present, $40, onespot power adaptor with daisy chain
october 2009 - present, $35, behringer eq700, graphic equaliser pedal
november 2009 - present, $380, epiphone valve junior with tubejuice attenuator, clean 5W tube amp
miscellaneous - guitar repair, strings, capos, tuners, picks, fret polish, zorb-it dehumidifier, guitar cables, batteries, studio costs

damn, i've spent around $3K on guitars and friggin' what to show for it!
but i think the re-sale value of the stuff i have is about 2.5K, which is alright.
hopefully it appreciates in value! lol. i'm sure the strat would... in about 30 years. :D

buying stuff is really fun. soft is a great website to troll and learn from. and with the volume of buy/ sell there there's all sorts of stuff to get. researching and reading reviews is pretty fascinating. then imagining, then deciding, then spotting, then bargaining, then meeting, then testing, then taking home. without this second hand market i think i'd be buying stuff at like 1/10th the pace i do now, and what a pity that'd be! :P

next in this series - precious memories about the stuff. stay tuned! :)

VIII - begrudgingly

i always ask this question of myself, i always ask this question
how much more patience do i need
and the inevitably inescapable answer, the conclusion i always reach
is, still more, my boy, still more

and i know i have to wait

incredible! ridiculous!
still more? still more?
what else could i need?
me! really! of all people!

decidedly, unerringly

that much more, so much more.

nothing so certain as death and taxes and

this god damn patience i need to learn

VII - a more general peace, spare me the details

tan cheng han was right. your brain thinks about things even when you're not thinking only about them. this subconscious thinking is some damn powerful shit, imo. i wish him all the best. i don't know anyone more serene and polite (from afar) than this dean. only a wen juin could compare favourably with him.

let's cut to the chase, shall we.

here are the interests that have been dancing around in my mind. are these competing interests? yes and no. but that's uncontroversial, at least to me. ironic but true. anyway, in no order of preference (don't want to order if i don't have to),

1) to get a girlfriend
2) to honour God
3) to be patient
4) to study hard
5) to enjoy my life like hell

i have in my mind some intentions. something stronger than attraction, than fondness, than say, i like so-and-so. this is the second time i've ever got to this point, i think. maybe the first time was stronger, ah hell, that one was almost it. but let's not talk about that.

so i asked God, as i asked Him the last time, yes or no? and i think the last time He said No. i might have heard a Not Yet, but right now i suppose it's a Not This One. and i told Him i'd rather You didn't let me feel all these things if the answer was going to be a No. and i suppose that's what happened, for a while. but it's my fault i feel these things, so no biggie. i suppose i just want to gripe. that's fair, eh Old Man? :) i love You, Man.

so this time, i asked the same question. i said, God, if it's going to be a No, just tell me now, and i'll accept it. i'll even love You for it. ha, as if that would change. anyway, i said, just let me know, and i'll never doubt it.

and today as i was riding home from school, i thought to myself, i don't want any girl, i don't want to want any girl, i want a girl that wants me as much as i want her. i mean, what's the point of having a girl that you want more than she wants you? therefore... what's the point of trying so hard to get a girl you think you want, when what you want is for a girl to honestly let you know that she wants you?

i'll try to flesh it out a bit more. what i mean is this. i don't want to want a girl that doesn't want me, and i also don't want to get the girl i want that doesn't really want me. therefore there should be some wanting of this girl of me to begin with. like i've heard, and have come to believe, there has to be some physical (or other) attraction before one really begins to consider another as a good friend, better friend, so on and so forth. i'd say, even more so between boys and girls, non-platonically. therefore if i wanted a girl that didn't want me, i'd be barking up the wrong tree. however, if i wanted a girl that was attracted to me, all i really needed to do was to sit back, and let things develop naturally. well, something like that, not much more or less.

and there my answer was. there's your answer, ian.

in short, you don't really want to be the one wanting. you want to be wanted. reciprocity would be ideal, of course.

so there. on a physical and spiritual level, problem solved.

God will provide someone who i want and who wants me. or else God will let me live all my life waiting. either is good enough for me.

all the expectations and all the whatever, i can live with.

it seems as if the physical often conflicts with the spiritual. the bible warns of this 'warring'. thank God i've got it figured out for now.

VI - who cares what the answer is!

i have some questions that should be addressed. i hate to sound objective for something like this, and i'm not even sure it's the better approach. but just so i know i'm keeping myself honest. notwithstanding, the questions.

firstly, why do i want to get attached?

secondly, how does the answer to the first question square away with my life purpose, vision and mission?

thirdly, do i know which one i really want?

fourthly, is God gonna say no?

fifthly, what future do i see for myself and my attachee?

sixthly, am i ready to be attached?

seventhly, what's the hurry?

eightly, am i gonna be emo about it?

ninthly, given my track record, what makes me think i'm gonna succeed now?

tenthly, what'm i gonna do for her by being her attachor?

they say that sometimes asking a good question is better than giving a good answer. but that's also because a good question is hardly ever easy to answer off the top of your head.

i think i need to know the answers to these questions. i can roughly figure out most of it, and i suppose some need to be answered by trying, i.e. some answers are inchoate. but i believe that for the better questions, the answers aren't in my hands.

can i do this without really thinking long and hard about it? can i do this without being as well-prepared for it as i can be physically, mentally and spiritually? can i do this with what i have now? can i be better than this?

eleventhly, do i know what getting rejected again will be like?

God! who really asks these questions?

V - not me, surely!

what is this thing called desire...

why does it torment me, even me...

i'm ian ho. the ian ho.

this thing called desire...

what is this damned thing called desire.

IV - what patience sometimes is

i went to the downstairs appliance store to get a few things, and seeing a 6 plug multi-plug body, i decided to get that, some cable, and a plug head to fix up on my own. it’s not so hard. anyway i mentally calculated the cost of that and some other stuff and it came up to $18.40. The uncle rings up the register and it shows $19.40. i forked out the money, did the math again, and i knew it was $18.40. but i paid it and left.

i wondered why i didn’t say something about it to the uncle. firstly, i might not have been right the first time, but i'd already paid without protest, so the moment might have passed. secondly, he was an uncle, and it's these little snips that keep him going. thirdly, i would probably have made the situation awkward. it takes a little bit of mental stabilising to handle things tactfully and politely. fourthly, it was one measley dollar, what, not five percent of the total cost. cheaper than friggin gst. and lastly i wasn't having a bad day, so i let it slide.

i like to think of myself as al pacino in the godfather. like what would al p. do in this or that situation. i think the godfather movie teaches a man a lot about life. anyway, i suppose, firstly, that nobody stiffs the godfather. secondly, al p. has thugs that settle this kind of bullshit. thirdly, al p. has street cred to protect, so he'd probably have made things very clear to the uncle. fourthly, al p. is not stupid, he definitely does the maths. fifthly, al p. is a nice guy, he looks out for the mom n pop establishments that pay him protection. sixthly, al p. might give the guy a icy smile, and that guy would know that he'd stiffed the wrong customer.

besides the al p. stuff, i know that i'm a confrontor. i don't like to bite my lip and keep my mouth shut when i've got something to say. my ideal argument would be passionate yet respectful, honest yet responsible. i know that it's possible to reach this ideal, but i also know that not alot of people love to talk about stuff without reserve, even in an argument. but that's me, i'm like that, i'm brought up this way. but i also know that confronting is (for me) the easy way out.

i wonder about people who do hold their tongue. how they must feel so frustrated (because? therefore?) they chose to keep quiet, worrying whether the other person knows how they feel. the first or the second are both quite incredible, quite powerful choices to make. when you know that someone has chosen to keep quiet, in love, in some powerful desire for the other to choose to someday realise that they made a mistake, it's so humbling, for me.

it reminds me of arsene wenger. he's the type of coach that doesn't berate his players openly. he says, these players are mature, they know when they've done something wrong, sometimes without having to be told. i think the world of him, for his love of the game, his approach to football, and his respect for his players. what he wants them to achieve in terms of football, and in human maturity. i can't imagine how many years of scorn or abuse or impatience from others who wish he'd do something he must have endured, keeping his mouth shut in public, or even in front of his team, when he sees something wrong, and choosing to speak to his players privately, respectfully. i think that really builds character. could i do it? i don't know.

i've been brought up the other way. the hard way. the 'i scold because i care' way. and i believe in it, i love it, i love the people who've brought me up like that, because they care deeply for me, they're honest with me, they're curt with me, and they want me to know straight up that they have higher expectations of me. it's hard to take a scolding like this in front of others, teammates, family, etc., but it's taught me to stay positive, and to stay humble. it's a cliche sometimes, you've got to be cruel to be kind. and i apply it to myself, and i apply it to the people who look up to me. i suppose it's more like how fergie does it. and both these managers are football champions, manager/ coach heroes.

so i suppose it's a part of growing up. sometimes a man is mellow, sometimes a man is hard. but the important thing is to care. not to do either for selfish reasons, but to commit, each to his way, with as much heart as one is able.

III - quieting

nowadays, there's only one real reason why i get morose, and that's family. it's the one thing that's out of reach, but won't go away.

sometimes i wish i'd done more when i could have. sometimes i hope that i tried my best. i used to wonder why i couldn't have had it easier. and this family has a bad history. i don't know why, and i don't know why. why wasn't there anything i could have done, when i know what i'd do now. but it's too late. and even if i could go back i don't know if we'd listen to me. even for me i know i can't always win people over. people are fucking stubborn and i fucking get damn annoyed sometimes. but that's selfish thinking.

i care, you know. but it sucks to care when things are like this. you know i care, i've told you before. but i hate things like this. i wish you'd come back, but i wish you'd really go away. i'll miss you when you're gone, but fuck lar. you give me grief. you, you don't listen to me. you're stubborn, ridiculous. you give me the worst grief, and you're my mom.

i think about all the lonely times you have to go through, and i feel so sad. i wish i could be there for you, but i wish you'd stop bugging me as well. it's over, isn't it? isn't it? i feel like yelling, FUCK, ISN'T IT?

and i know it'd make you sad to no end to read this. but this is exactly what you know is true. and i'll never be able to bring myself to tell you.

angelina, tommy emmanuel. it tells me, listen. listen, my boy. life will end alright. no, no, just listen. and as you smile and as you waft and as you tap your foot and as you hum to the tune. even if it's a gloss over all the crap, just let it persuade and let it convince and let the cover-up feel good.

maybe i'll play it for you someday, mommy.

II - a bitter old man

i was at acs(i) training yesterday, and i realised how much i missed the old me.

it wasn't the building and the old trodden paths, and the field, and the sights, that brought this out. it was a person there, a young man.

cocky. brave. strong. smart. cheeky. cheerful. attractive, as in charisma. leaderly. a devillish, handsome grin.

and i thought to myself, that was me. before army made me bitter. and i promised to never forget. and i wondered how long a young man could keep that up in life.

i think of wen juin sometimes, and i wonder how different we are. and i don't think there's too much of it in there. minus the jane austen stuff, wen juin is to me what i'd become if i hadn't become bitter. i love wen juin.

the word bitter is too strong. i know i'm not a bitter person. but i'm not cheerful as i used to be, either. and that makes me bitter in comparison, it does.

and i think of another friend of mine, who i think is too bitter. but who could blame him? between the two of us, either, there's not so much that's not the same. but that's the way things happen.

if i had a choice, i'd wake up tomorrow, and i'd be exactly the person i used to be. the person that i dearly loved. and i do have that choice.

i suspect i've been trying for a long time to remember that young man. but i've forgotten what he looks like, until lately. but it also shows me that i recognise the qualities that i cherish, so i don't need someone else to follow, and i know what can be done.

thanks, yam. although you don't know it.

I - humble beginnings

i remember the last time i did this. that was... four years ago. and i remember much about why i started blogging. we were all so damn emo after losing that softball game, and it didn't feel right without an accounting. now it's really long gone and forgotten, though not by us. but we keep the best memories of the past. and here there are many.

i stopped blogging because i didn't need it anymore. and i can fairly say that it's not about need now, either. i just, i just want to talk. i'm not here to emo, i'm here to record.

there's no strings attached here. i'd like to keep these reflections clean and mature. having said that, i suspect that in my weaker moments, more revealing thoughts will boss their way in here. but that's how it is, sometimes. i'm an old man sometimes, but i'm an old boy sometimes too.

so this, primarily, should be about life. what i think about it. what i want to do to make it better. what i love about it. and what i hope the people i love will understand about life too.

wisdom, then. i wish to talk about wisdom. the world needs it quite a bit, and i may be wise enough for some. but a man is wise only as far as he knows that he is not, despite how he wishes otherwise. and i do mightily wish otherwise.

enough of sentence fragments! ha. thus begin my reflections, recorded as of today. may they be a blessing for you and i.